My first Master’s degree was in English, and by the end of it, I knew I didn’t want to grade papers or mill around any MLA conferences, hobnobbing and comparing erudition. That milieu was not my scene. But I didn’t know what else I could do, so I stayed put and spent the next bit of time just working and living in a community where I felt more at home than I’d felt where I’d grown up.
In that time, I contemplated a range of options, testing them out against my appetites and competencies—the latter, I thought, were few. I felt that I wanted to improve people’s lives in some way, if I could, but for various reasons couldn’t figure out quite how.* It was my own experience in therapy that finally provided the revelation and catalyst; that, and falling in love.
I work with children because the world of their emotions is real to me, and I haven’t entirely lost my memory of that world’s proportions: what it’s like to have a small body, with circumscribed autonomy, and yet hold such enormity of feeling. I respect the challenges, and I’m willing to try and meet kids where they’re at. I think when they feel comfortable with me, that may be why.
This is not to say that I’m a good fit for every child client. Taming hyperactivity, for example, is not one of my strong suits; but then, I think ADHD is largely a matter of biological exposures (foods and other substances) and constitutional reactions thereto, and is best treated accordingly—except where hyperactivity is actually post-traumatic hypervigilance in disguise, which is work I’m better equipped for.
Personal experience can be a great help in doing therapeutic work, so long as the focus is on the client. The therapists I know who do best with ADHD, identify as having it themselves; they can provide management strategies and support for self-esteem. I don’t resonate with hyperactive energy and would personally be inclined to recommend alternative medicinal approaches first, to address the biology and potentially address concerns in a holistic way.
This may seem like a contradiction of something else I’ve written recently: that as long as a client engages with me, it doesn’t matter how much we have in common otherwise. I still feel that’s true. An important and also quasi-contrary addendum, to change the subject slightly, is that sometimes those clients who appear to engage the least are the ones I love working with most. Following my own logic, I must have something in common with them, right?
As a passionately private and daydreamy introvert with a trauma history, I have spent the better part of my leisure in adulthood thus far in solitary pursuits (which, thankfully, I happen to enjoy). I have my cherished friends, but as I’ve recently been reminded, having someone new seek intimate entry into my space triggers a kind of immune cascade, as my whole being struggles in diverse ways to raise alarms and eject the foreign body. With consciousness, I’ve gotten better at managing it, but it’s still a noteworthy phenomenon.
Thus my special fondness for the tough-talking teen client who was transferred to me out of juvenile detention, who calls me a creep anytime I express friendliness or affirmation, but who keeps showing up even though her attendance is no longer mandated. I know what it’s like for warmth and presence to be desirable yet provoke discomfort, even fear; I know what it’s like to be guarded against anticipated breaches of trust. My client might not identify those as her issues—she’d be more likely to say, “The problem is, people are shit.” Whatever; I’m happy to sit down with her as many times as it takes for her to grow more comfortable with my regard.
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Happy New Year!
I’m deeply grateful for my readers, and in 2018, I’d love to reach more! If you enjoyed this piece, please consider sharing it with anyone you feel might like it, too, by linking to it in whatever way works for you. I typically post once a month, so no barrage. Out of respect for client privacy, names here are always changed or omitted, and details may be altered in fact while relevant in spirit. Text and image copyrights held by me. To subscribe and receive future posts, please look to the upper right on your computer screen, or scroll to the bottom of the page on your mobile device. “The Numbers Game” (July 2017), now long delayed, will be continued in a future post, when I have more stamina for the topic. *Perhaps I’ll write about my obstacles to identifying a career on some other occasion. Thank you wholeheartedly for reading!
I used to get angry at my therapistand physically hurt myself when my therapist spoke kindly and said affirming words to me. I’d say stuff I know hurt her (because she said those words hurt) like “you only care because it’s your job!” or get suspicious and mistrustful and St she’s trying to build rapport to manipulate me.
I feel you’re definitely on the right track with your “you’re creepy!” teen client! Perhaps somewhere along the line, their “you’re a creep” comments can even become an inside joke between you and them 🙂
My therapist now says “oh, stop the bullshit” when I half heartedly go “why do you care?” or ask if she’s still “building rapport”, and I pretty much smile, because I’ve indeed grown to trust 🙂
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As always, I appreciate your generous reading and personal reply. I’m glad that your therapist was able to build trust with you (and that you let her!). It sounds like you’ve come through a great deal of pain and have reached, through your courage and effort, a new and much better place. Thank you for the positive feedback. When my client calls me a creep (or, in similar contexts, a weirdo, or other such epithets), I just laugh and reflect it back, a la, “Yeah, I know, it’s so creepy that I think you’re great!” And I do, think she’s great. Thank you also for the new vocabulary! “Fawning,” though I know the word, is new to me as a term in a therapeutic context. Happy New Year to you, too! 🙂
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I definitely have fawn tendencies! I think it’s common in those of us who learned to parent our parents and siblings. I’ll sometimes say “Okay”, “okay” nodding along as my therapist goes on, and sometimes it has helped for her to check in with “are you saying OK to please me or avoid a lecture or are you really okay?”
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Yes! Always super-important to clarify what that means! I like the sound of this person! 🙂
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I also think you’ll meet your share of “fawn” clients! 🙂 Kids and youth who are people pleasing. 🙂 I feel most are hybrids of the 4Fs on general (fight, fought, freeze, fawn).
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Also, happy new year!
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